Lmao, I've had this acount since, what, June? and this is the first time I've ever written a Journal. Oh well, better late than never, as they say x3

The freakiest thing happened to me yesterday... I should warn whoever decides to read this that it's prett long (and a little freaky). ;

Over the past few weeks, I've felt so much more alone than I ever have done, I've had to sit back and watch the people who I call "friends" do everything without me, and porously leave me to my own devices.
I think the thing that got to me the most was when a friend of mine in particular, Lydia, had her birthday last week. I went out of my way to get her just what she wanted, the entire collection of the Darren Shan saga (if anyone's ever read these books you're my new bestie xp I swear by those books, lol), and the entire bloody thing cost £40 ($20) in total. When it was my birthday last, she didn't get me anything, not even a card. I'm not usually one to care all that much about material possessions, but you know, it's just automatic for you to get a friend a birthday present. The saying "it's the thought that counts" rings a bell at this point, but I can see there wasn't much thought from her position, seen as she didn't even say happy birthday to me :/ (sorry, I seem to have gone a little side tracked here) [i]Anyway[/i], when I gave it to her (card as well) she just opened it and went, "um, thanks" and turned back to what she was doing, pretending as if I wasn't there... Kinda really broke my heart, because at the time, I had a little crush on her.

Anyway, back to my main point. That's just one thing of many complicated issues that have gnawed away at me for the last couple of months, and the anxiety, depression and bipolar just built up and up inside me the entire time, and for the pat few weeks, I've had one thing on my mind and it's haunted me more and more everyday. That thing is ... *exhales* Suicide. And I'm not joking, either. There have been so many times in my fourteen years when I've just wanted to drop dead, but never more than over the past week. One of the main reasons for this has been my dreams... I've had dreams that are just ... indescribable, really... they're jut dreams that normal people just shouldn't have. In these dreams, I'm the equivalent of a human butcher. I'd capture people and torture them by any means necessary. Blood... I have no idea why, but the only thing I seemed to be bothered about throughout my gory fetish was that strange red liquid. Heh, maybe I'm turning into a vampire. However... there are two things in particular that really shook my ego. One thing was that the people who I was hurting were the people who I love so much and care for (like Lydia, for example), and the weird thing is that I just didn't (and still don't [i]now[/i]) care. the other thing scares me even more... the dreams I've been having are what most people would describe as nightmares, but... I actually, in some really sick, twisted and disturbing way, I actually enjoyed it...

So, as you can imagine, at the time I just thought I was losing my mind and heading towards the ways of some kind of frenzied, mass murdering maniac. Obviously, I didn't want that to happen, so the concept of suicide looked mighty mighty friendly to me...

(I'm ever so sorry that this is such a long post, but I just have to spill my heart out on this one)

So... the other night, on the 21st of November 2008, I decided I was going to end it all... My parent were out at the local boozer, my brother was at his mate's house and was staying there for the night, so I was alone until my parents came back, which would have been at about 12:30pm... since I was alone since 7:30pm, then I had plenty of time to carry out my plan, which was to down a bottle of anti-freeze... Before I did it... I wanted to do one last thing, something I hadn't done for a very long time. I wanted to have one last wonderful soak in the bath. I was currently banned from having a bath (since my Dad thought it was too much money to run and thought a shower would be a better idea), and I haven't had one since I was, like, ten. So... when I was getting in the bath, it was dead quiet in my house... A very eerie silence, the only sound was whenever I moved and the water around me plopped and splashed against my body and the bath sides. And then, out of nowhere, the lights in the bathroom went out, and I was left in the water in total and utter darkness. I shouted bollocks at the top of my voice and tried to get out of the bath (you know, since not many people really enjoy being in the dark in a bath... unless you can see in the dark, that is x]) but... I swear... I felt something on my shoulder, something so icy cold, it felt almost like water to the touch. Naturally, I froze where I was, scared stiff. The thing (whatever it was) very gently pulled me back into the hot water and let go of my when I was sat back down. Then, in the midst of this silence, I heard one word ring out in my mind clear as a bell... "Love"... Very cliché, I know. It sounded really weird, almost like a bad phone reception when voices sound quiet and a little fuzzy, but it was clear enough. After a minute at least of sitting there, shivering scared, I started to hear music... I then remembered that I'd threw my bag on the floor when I got undressed in the bathroom, and things kinda spilled out all over the place, including my MP3 player (which is pretty fucking cool because it has a speaker on it which is better than the ones on most phones). The first song that played on there was "Love Me When I'm Gone" by 3 Doors Down, and god damn, those lyrics and that music have never sounded more clear to me in my fucking life. I just sat there, listening to this masterpiece of a song, taking in every single note and word, absorbing it's message so bloody clearly that I almost thought for a minute that I'd already died and gone to heaven. When the song went off, I was sat in the bath, crying, crying about how clear that song was to me now. Then... the next song that came on was just as much as an amazing eye-opener. "Long Way To Happy" by Pink... Jesus Christ bananas... I've never had an experience like that in my life before... For about three hours, long after the water had gone cold, I just sat in the dark listening to the most beautiful fighting music, all without moving or pressing a single button. All the while I was there... I could feel this indescribable presence... but I could feel it was happy...

In the end, I didn't kill myself (obviously), and I just... now I know that there is so much more to life than just desperately reaching out for friends and trying to fit in, because I know now that I will one day find someone who loves me just as much as I want to love someone right now...

Although, I did end up with a nasty cold from sitting in a cold bath for the better part of two hours xD